Guilt and Reconciliation

I wrote this a few months ago - now I have decided to include it in the blog....

In my daily prayer today, I had some guilty feelings about the weekend – not because Catholics are prone to feel guilty but as Tony Robbins, the internationally acclaimed life coach, mentions in his seminar Lessons in Mastery, “I had violated one of my own standards [one of my own personal rules].”

Often in ministry, I see people unable to work through feelings or thoughts of guilt. Some attempt to ignore guilt. I’ve never been able to ignore it. The more I ignore it, the more it eats at me. Some project their guilt on others. As in, “It’s not my fault, [blank] made me do it.” Some will justify their behavior based on worse behavior of others, “Look at such-and-such, they’re doing something worse than me.” Sadly, some will tear others down – reduce the good that is in them – in order to feel better about themselves. But these actions, don’t remove guilt. They only repress the feeling and distract us from dealing with the principle (belief) that caused the guilt to begin with.

As a Christian, one of the behaviors I witnessed within myself is that when I felt guilty, I immediately associated it with God’s rules. This has the potential of bringing in all kinds of added reactions of feelings and beliefs: Sometimes good and yet, in deeper reflection, sometimes painful. Believing in a forgiving God leads to good feelings, but sometimes, believing that I don’t “own” these rules myself – that they’ve been placed on me to obey - can lead to further painful emotions such as feeling coerced.

As adults, whether we actively follow a religion or not, we live with hundreds of standards every day that come from our parents, faith communities, employers, neighborhoods, civil government, and quite often, Hollywood. It’s amazing how we are able to navigate through our days at all without violating someone’s standard.

As I mentioned earlier, the meaning behind guilt is, “I have violated one of my standards.” I think this is a great definition for many reasons.

First, it places the ownership of the violation on me. No one else can bear the responsibility of this violation. It is mine to own. I can’t project it on anyone else.

Second, it places the ownership of the standard on me. I own that standard and this gives me the option to let go of that standard, if I choose it to be a poor one.

Third, it strengthens individual integrity and questions the value of relationships. In other words, it produces healthy personal boundaries by clarifying who I am as an individual. It clarifies what the other wishes in our relationship and provides me clarity about how much I value that relationship. It also empowers me to negotiate or find greater clarity within the relationship, if needed.

Finally, this definition enables me the choice to either change the principle (reject or modify it) or improve my appropriation of it.

As we work with this definition repeatedly, we learn of the happiness of being in control of our lives and relationships. When we choose to accept another’s standard, we value the relationship without reducing ourselves. And, if we fail to live up to a standard of a valued relationship, we are empowered to work towards reconciliation because we become aware of our value in the relationship. Also, we can choose whether or not the relationship (or just a standard in the relationship) has value in it anymore.

In addition, this definition helps us work with others who are coping with guilt. Often, many people I work with poorly react to another’s sense of guilt by being “falsely” compassionate. “Oh, It’s okay. Don’t beat yourself up. We all make mistakes. God loves you.” While all these statements seem to be sweet things to say, they really don’t hit the core of the problem nor remove the sense of guilt.

Helping others through their guilt with this definition respects the person’s feelings, principles, relationships, and helps them to grow in integrity. In doing so, we can heal the brokenhearted and liberate others from feelings of captivity. We can announce to them the favor they have in their relationships and empower them in their relationships. We can help them mourn in their loss. We can help them not become listless souls by helping them strengthen their integrity.

So, the next time we feel guilty. Don’t run away from guilt or belittle it. Remind ourselves, “I have violated one of my own standards” and reflect on its meaning, the relationships in it, and the values we have in those relationships. Then move forward in the direction our hearts lead us: change the standard or change how we react to the standard.

Obviously, if we have truly violated a standard of God (ten commandments) or the standards of a legitimate relationship (employer, government, life partner) then we are obligated to correct that violation and look to reconcile the relationship through just acts like the sacrament of reconciliation, asking forgiveness, replacing another's time or property, reaffirming or restoring the other person's dignity. This will be obvious to the one who values the relationship.