Covenant Love in Marriage

What does it mean to love your spouse as a reflection of God's love for us? What does it mean to have a covenant kind of love?

[As I share this personal story, please don't interpret my wife as lacking any self esteem. She is a bright, successful career woman, a great and godly mother, and a loving wife. This story compresses twenty years of being together into one short entry.]

When I first met my wife, we were in college and still in our teens. She was (and is) the most gorgeous woman God has ever brought into my life. Early in our relationship, I would tell her that I loved her. With a big beaming smile and a glint in her eye, she would ask me, "Why do you love me?"

At that time in my life, with all the hormones rushing through my body, I would passionately say to her, "because, baby, your hot!"

As time went on, we became married and all through our early years of marriage I would continue to give her this reason upon her asking me why I loved her.

Then, in cooperation with God, we decided to have a child. My wife grew over the few months with her abdomen expanding exponentially, her hair becoming brittle and stiff, dark rings under her eyes, and a certain fluffiness about her whole body.

I remember telling her "I love you" and her reply, "Why?" Of course, I said, "Cause, baby, your hot!" To which she turned into tears. "I'm NOT hot! I'm fat, my hair's falling out, and my face is all puffy. I'm not hot."

I was stunned. Honestly, I really thought she was gorgeous but I saw that she didn't see it that way. I tried to think of other attributes and then remembering that she was the sigma cum Laud student at our college and that she gave the commencement speech, I turned to her and said, "I love you because you are so smart. You were the top student in our college, you gave the commencement speech, and you're the director of a department at your hospital. Baby, you're smart."

Time went on, my wife came home to be with our children. One day, when the kids were 4 and 1 years old, I told my wife, "I love you." Again, to which she replied, "why?"

Having learned my lesson about not saying "'cause you're hot" I said, "Baby, 'cause you are so smart." She burst into tears. "I'm NOT smart! All I do is talk about Sesame Street, colors, numbers, and toys. I'm not smart. My brain as turned to mush since I have been home with the kids." Again, I tried to think of other attributes of her and reflected on how hard of a worker she was around the house, with the kids, and in the yard. "I love you because you're such a hard worker," and I proceeded to tell her all the ways she worked hard.

Then one fateful day, I became paralyzed from the hips down. My L4 and L5 disks in my lower back ruptured and the fragments migrated down my spine, kinking my nerves to my legs and lower abdomen. After my emergency surgery, I laid in bed for four months. I began to think about how worthless I was to my wife these four months because she did all the work while I laid around. It got me thinking about what would happen if my wife was in the same place.

What would happen if she contracted dementia in her old age and she no longer recognized me or knew herself even? What if she had a stroke and was confined to her bed? Would I still love her? Of course! But why?

This lead me to think about why God loves humanity. What attributes of humanity could ever be worthy of a being so infinite, so perfect, so beautiful, so powerful? There was no reason why. There was no attribute of humanity that could move God's love. God loves us because he chooses to love us because he is love.

As I began to think of all the circumstances and situations that could happen in my relationship with my wife, I concluded that I would always love her regardless of any defect. Yes, she's pretty. Yes, she's smart. Yes, she's hard working. Yes, she's faithful and loves me too. All of these attributes of hers fills our relationship with so many blessings and add to my happiness in this life. But, if all of those attributes were to fail (and I would grieve the loss of any one of them), their loss would not diminish my love for her because like God,

I love her because I choose to love her.

This is what it means to have a covenant love. This is the meaning behind our vows of marriage, in sickness and health, in riches and poverty, and in goodness and adversity. We love each other because we choose to love each other - even when the other can no longer love us.

Fidelity and strength are found in this type of love because it dissolves temptation from the outside world. If my love was founded on her beauty alone then what would stop me from falling in love with someone prettier? If it was founded on brilliance, then what would stop me from falling in love with someone smarter?

If our love is founded on the attributes of the other, then they will always be tested against those who have greater or lesser attributes. But if our love is founded upon a firm, unchanging choice of our will, then there can be no temptation that the world could offer to break us away from that vow.